Inner Thoughts

May The Third

I think of you in the in-between spaces
In the pause before the next heartbeat
In the clench of my chest before I exhale
In the swell of courage before I say hello


As life would have it, there’s always two sides to everything.

Yes, work is driving me to the edge of my sanity but there are a few positive sides to being engulfed by the ever-growing to-do list and the continuous race against the clock.

One thing for sure, I didn’t have much time to wallow in self-pity over my current state (well, that’s only until I had to purchase my skin care that I am reminded of how little I am earning >.<)
But most importantly, I am so busy that you barely cross my mind anymore.

It was one minute past nine the moment I opened the door to my room. My back was aching, my head throbbing and my tummy grumbling. There was nothing I wanted more than to jump onto my bed and call it a day (okay, a hot relaxing shower prior). But of course that was only my wishful thought cause my phone vibrated.

‘9.15 at the lobby?’

I let out a defeated sigh, even dinner had to wait. Thank God Doubletree offered their warm welcome cookie, it was a lifesaver. I approached the window and pulled the blind aside as I continued chewing my cookie. It was dark, quite a contrast compared to the view from my apartment’s balcony. JB is definitely a quieter town at night compared to Jakarta, at least that’s how it looked like from the location of my hotel.

Right then, the thoughts of you suddenly came swarming in.

Of course you’re not the only Malaysian’s I have acquainted with but everything about Malaysia reminds me of you. The last time I was in this hotel, I was still oblivious about the latest development far away in the land of long white cloud and I could remember vividly how excited I was upon receiving your message.

The news hit me hard, utterly disappointed was an understatement. You said you wouldn’t, so why? But even then, I couldn’t point my finger and blame you. You have never explicitly promised me anything, I was the one letting my guard down, allowing hope to grow despite the circumstances. And that was the wake up call to remind me how powerful history can be and how we will never stand a chance for as long as her shadow lingers.

But as I was staring out of the window, it wasn’t pain nor disappointment that came knocking at my heart, it was a plain and numbing acceptance that you are hers now and there’s nothing much I can do about it.

The vibration of my phone derailed my thoughts of you. Took one final bite of my cookie and off I went to meet my teammates.


And perhaps, one day
Our lives will occupy one space
Touched shoulders, clasped hands, shared secrets
Perhaps

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