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Perspectives & Peace of Mind

What a difference a year can make and how a heartbreak can greatly alter one’s life philosophy.

I used to be a bigger fan of the shorts written by Wesley Chan. They are always unexpected, unconventional, hence exciting. He has his own ways of adding layers and insights into things which appear to be mundane and ordinary.

Yet, as I grow older, I resonate more and more with Phil, his work of art becomes extremely relatable to me. Perhaps we are sharing the same experiences, perhaps we are more similar in personality and outlooks. Or perhaps, it’s just a change of perspectives on my part. Phil has always appeared as a cheery, joyful person to me. But as I read more of his blog posts, scroll through his Instagram feed, and watch all the Lunchbreak series, I slowly discovered a more melancholic side of him. There’s a layer of ‘sadness’ surrounding his posts and re-occurring themes of reminiscing the past and letting go. Despite that, my gut feeling tells me that he is someone who can’t let go of the past easily, quite like myself.

“I used to say that I was chasing peace of mind. But then I realized that peace never comes. I now chase perspective” -Philip Wang

I finally clicked on that unfollow button and I still can’t believe how hard it was to bring myself to make that decision. Despite my continuous attempt of ensuring others that  I no longer have any lingering feelings or any desire to reminisce about our past, I still perpetually find myself submerged in this muddy water. I can’t say that I am too young, but I can confidently say that I am too idealistic and too naive. I thought that we might still be friends one day, just like the promise we once made yet I am too stupid and too slow to realize that you have no intention to keep your words. I resisted the urge to click the unfollow button for the longest time, believing that by subjecting myself to face all your posts might desensitize me eventually and when the time comes, I will be able to stand there and face you with no feeling whatsoever. Too naive, truly. I should have checked earlier instead of voluntarily subjecting myself to the ‘torture’.

On a side note, it doesn’t help that I am also a firm believer in inner peace and its cousin, peace of mind. I kept on thinking that the act of unfollowing is just a temporary escape, it’s an act of pretending that you do not exist which will not help me achieve the desired peace of mind. I used to believe that peace of mind will only be there once I can successfully make peace with my past, which includes being able to face you again and feeling absolutely nothing when I do so. Therefore, I put so much emphasis and effort into ensuring that I will

But four months has passed and I am nowhere near reaching the almighty peace of mind. I still feel crappy when I see how ‘happy’ you are, especially your last post. That was what we once planned to do and seeing the plan becomes a reality still hurt a lot, especially when I am not part of that ‘reality’. Yet, perhaps that’s the final push I needed to realize that peace of mind will never come through what I am doing. Peace of mind is not an ultimate goal but instead a manifestation of our own perspectives.

It took me so long to realize that clicking that unfollow button doesn’t represent that I am running away from reality or being unable to make peace with my past. I am accepting the fact that the two of us are long over and I haven’t been doing anything to persuade him to come back to me. Unfollowing doesn’t mean that I am pretending that he doesn’t exist. Even now when I am typing this post, I fully acknowledge his existence somewhere, well and alive. Unfollowing only means that I have decided to channel my energy into other things which are more productive and important for my well-being.

And that might have been the best decision I made in this past couple of months..

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