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As part of my procrastination series, I decided to re-organize my photo folders instead of revising for the impending exams.

It’s June again. Time flies by, truly. I was looking forward to U21 last year, it was the main drive to study really hard for the examinations. This year, things are complicated, chaotic. I no longer have international conference to propel me through the dreaded examination period, but at least I am going home, to my sanctuary. No matter how I feel about Changi airport up to this point.

So talking about U21, Aussie 2014 is probably my favorite album to date, all thanks to my cousin photography skills. I love all of the photos and each time I went through them, I find something new. I am not normally this melancholic, perhaps it is triggered by what happened recently but I find the saying matches the photo very well.

“You have to forgive to forget, and forget to feel again. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

The weather was lovely, I remembered. And I was utterly ‘happy’. Although, I can’t foresee myself being this ‘happy’ in July, I am very sure I will eventually. The contrast of this photo stands out to me, the blurred background and the sharp, clear foreground. The blurred background represents what happened in the past between the two of us. Looking back at it now, it was all blurry, nothing absolute can be made out of it. But it is an interesting place to be, I still find myself visiting it repeatedly. Because it contains my favorite question of “what if?”, it holds the answer to the question “why?” “what went wrong?”, it stores all the memories which once acted as my motivations, as reasons to smile even on gloomy days.  I just don’t want to leave, it feels familiar. And I kept on thinking, what to do next? The future seems murky.

But then I was wrong. The foreground is so clear, so sharp, it looks promising. And most importantly, I can be happy there. I can smile because I genuinely feel like doing it, not because I have to. The foreground promises a brand new beginning, where more exciting adventures await. I just have to make that transition. I have to leave the familiarity of the background to step into the foreground.

It frustrates me that even after a month has passed, I am still writing emotional posts like this. But I need to write this out, so that when I lose the strength to force myself to move on, I have something to look back and remind myself how far I have come. This burst of strength and determination are not just fleeting thoughts in my brain. Once I write it here, it becomes concrete.

I am still struggling; to move on and to keep checking that I still have my sanity intact. Forgiveness is not in my nature, no matter how much I wish it is. Time is a variable but forgiveness is another. Without it, I can’t form the equation and without the equation, there is no solution. I have to forgive both myself and him before I can forget and eventually feel again. It is the only way that I can fully focus on the foreground instead of the background.


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