The aftermath

Funny how I am going head over heels over Ji Jia Wei and Guan Xiao Tong’s budding romance. There is actually fluttering feelings in my tummy, the butterflies. I can’t stop smiling, I replay all their romantic and sweet scenes over and over again. I check their Instagram pages religiously, hoping that one of them post a brand new photo of them together. I am shipping them so hard as if their relationship is real.

Vicarious thrill. I am vicariously going through the romance I have always dreamed of. Something which unfortunately, I didn’t manage to have in real life. Not with you at least.

Not gonna lie, I have become slightly pessimistic about love and I think it’s normal. Most of my friends who celebrated their 4th and subsequent anniversaries do end up being either engaged or happily married. On top of it, you are the one who keeps on saying that after four years, we pretty much have each other (while quoting Wongfu’s line of “we have been together for six years, I think you have got me”) and look at where we are now. And who initiated the broke up. Discussion? What discussion really? You made up your mind before we even exchanged our final hello. You have made your decision the moment you let her in.

While Jia Wei & Xiao Tong’s romance bring the much-needed entertainment, in real life I have to look away from couples holding hands, hugging or walking side by side. Cause the moment I look at them, I am reminded of us. Of our promises. Of the things we once planned. Of you supposedly attending my graduation. Of you supposedly visiting New Zealand for your graduation trip. Of us going to all the restaurants we ever discuss together.

Although when we both think about our relationship again and look at it from a brand new angle, we both know that in the end, the possibility of us working out is rather slim. Yet, even when  I acknowledge that fact it is not easier for me to deal with the aftermath of our breakup.

I couldn’t even watch After Us this time. The feeling is just too real, too intense. I burst into tears the moment Kevin said “I’ll talk to you later” because I now know full well what “I’ll talk to you later” truly means. Most likely, they will just be empty words. I wonder whether we will ever talk again. And if we do one day, what will we talk about? How awkward will that be? Will our past memories come back once more? It took a tremendous effort for me to say goodbye that night, despite the heartache and disappointment you caused me. Why? Because that goodbye surely felt like a final goodbye. And how can farewell come easily when you have to bid it to the person whom you share your ‘life’ with for the past 4 years?

I am terrible at letting go. I ain’t Queen Elsa. Yet that’s the only option I have left now. I am still miles away from reaching renewed. From times to times, my thoughts had even wandered to dark, unknown places. At least this time, I didn’t fall into that ‘depression’ cycle. Blades and knives don’t interest me, I am holding on. It’s difficult I’ll admit. But I have to be strong because I don’t want my loved ones to be worried about me. About my health. About my safety.

In the past 22 years, loneliness has never been this suffocating. Funny how a person 9000 km away can inflict such a violent reaction inside of me. While you are probably enjoying the budding of a new romance and that wonderful tingling sensation in your tummy or the flutters in your heart, I have to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, trying to put them back again. You smashed them and you walked away.

Time is the only answer. Time forgets. Time heals.

I just wish there is something which will ease the pain during this process, because neither panadol and ibuprofen will do the trick.


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