I came across the word closure during the first ever debating practice in Junior College. Thinking about it, it was the most humiliating yet humbling practice I have ever had to date. Since then, I have grown very attached to this word, for inexplicable reasons.

I am someone who gravitates towards closure. I dislike loose ends, especially when it comes to anything related to emotions. Over the years, I have caught myself offering advice to my friends about seeking for proper closure(s). Yet tonight, I am re-questioning the existence of closure. Will someone eventually gain a proper closure?

Our brain is relatively small, yet it is so mighty and powerful, it can do ridiculous things to us. For the past two years, that undefined ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’ I had with my cousin’s friend had been bugging me. I wanted answers, I longed for explanations. What exactly went wrong between us? What exactly did I do wrong? What was behind the complete change of attitude? Nothing was offered up to this very moment and I guess it will remain that way for a long time. But I deserve to know what is going on. I deserve to be told if I messed up somewhere along the way. I deserve to know whether I tested your patience during our short period of getting to know each other or if we are simply two people who are assigned to play roles in a wrong story. I don’t like to be left alone in the dark, perpetually wondering what I did wrong, what went wrong. Enlighten me, not because I am afraid of the dark, but because by knowing, I can continue to grow afterwards.

I have started to ponder on whether closure is just an abstract concept that stems from our very own dislike of ambiguity. What if closure will never ever come to fruition? I doubt anyone can offer a fully satisfying explanation on closure or share stories about how proper closure feels like.

After years of compromise and struggles, we are finally here. What was once shared between us was no longer there. We ended, this time round, officially, and I have obtained the answers to why we ended up where we are now. Technically, I should have gained the closure I long for. All the questions were answered, no matter how difficult it was to face the truth. Yet, I am still left with tons of what ifs. What if you actually waited? What if we actually get the chance to tell people, no more hiding? What if we finally have no distance and time difference between us? What if…? I feel that as long as these what if remains, I will never have the sense of proper closure. The problem is as a debater, it isn’t hard to come up with subsequent questions of what if. Debaters are trained to do that, that’s the key skill to survive in debating circuit.

Time to time, I wish I can exert greater control over my brain. I wish I can tell my brain to just abandon the whole idea of gaining closure cause maybe it will be easier to forget and move on when there isn’t any lingering what if.

That being said, if one can selectively delete and preserve memories, will closure be more obtainable then?



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