Two weeks after, sleeping is still my only mean of escapism.

Life has been hard, not that it wasn’t two weeks before this. 2015 has been an extremely challenging year thus far. A major fight in January, increasingly difficult courses, unending laboratory reports, cancelled plans, lingering disappointments and a heart break.

Missing you or the thoughts of you. At this point I can’t tell and I don’t even care. The distinction doesn’t matter because all I know, there is an empty void. I have been telling myself that after what you have done, I shouldn’t even miss you. All the tears, the throbbing headaches, the swollen eyes. But then again, at times like this, it is much easier to remember the good times. All the hugs, all the sweet promises, the laughter. And the more I think about those, the more I hate myself. Yet, the more I force myself to forget, the more vivid the memories become.

Everyone who knows what happened repeatedly offer the same advice of “keep yourself busy, keep yourself occupy, focus on your studies”. Trust me when I said I have tried. But what should I do when my courses remind me of him too? He was once a big part of my university life and now I have to deal to 3 pages-long formula derivation in my CHEMMAT course. How could I not think about him instantaneously? In the past, whenever I was struggling in any physics or engineering related courses, I always know there’s someone I can turn to. Someone who won’t judge me when I forget about basic integration or laugh at my stupid calculation mistakes.

He was also my constant source of encouragement. Outside the comfort of my own apartment, I have to keep up with people’s expectations of me. “Of course she can do it” “She’ll definitely score A” “She must be joking when she said she can’t do it”. Some days, University life just gotten the better of me. I got frustrated, I lost faith in myself. Yet he was always there. It must had been frustrating to deal with me at that state but he did anyway. Now he is gone.

It is hard to deal with this feeling. I can’t fully concentrate at my courses. I can’t study as well as I normally do. I am extremely sensitive, almost every single little things in life triggers either wrong emotions or excessive responses from me. It is hard being disappointed at your loved ones yet my best listener is no longer here…

But no. I will not contact him. This toxic cycle must end and I don’t want to be that pathetic girl going after a boy who doesn’t even like her anymore. And no, this time round, I will not let my thoughts wander to dark, unknown places.

This is just part of the transitioning phase. This is just the effect of brand new habituation phase. This too, shall pass and I will be fine. If not now, eventually.


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